So - you read The Journal Of Danny Chaucer (Part One) and you want to know what happens next. The second part is still awaiting publication, but in the meantime - here's how it starts. You read it here first!

Like the First Morning

We are shuffled like cards in the corridor

The assembly bell has been rung

In our newly-pressed suits

As eager as newts

A new school year has begun

On stage the Head Teacher is beaming

So pleased that we’re all back again

You can see he’s day dreaming

His Volvo needs cleaning

All that sand from the beaches of Spain

Welcome back, Do your best, he is droning

Like a jet plane crossing the sea

While I anxiously scan

Year Ten faces for Anna

Where can Anastasia be?

(In my dreams she reclines on a beach in the sun

Or by moonlight she swims in the nude

I have dreamt of us walking

At sunset and talking

Of many things, some of them rude)

So we all mime a hymn to the future

And pray to the Lord, Bless us all

Then we rush for the door

Our best feet to the fore

But we all have our backs to the wall

Mrs Taggert, Our New Form Teacher, Says

Class!

Welcome back. Are you happy?

Class!

I’m so pleased you all came along

Did you think Year Eleven

Would be student heaven

If you did, I must tell you, you’re wrong

Class!

There is nothing to smile at

Class!

You will tremble with fear

There’s nowhere to hide

And there’s no easy ride

For this is your exam year

Class!

Put your nose to the grindstone

Class!

Put your brains into gear.

No let-up. No skiving.

No ducking or diving

Yes, this is your exam year

GCSE

Give Children Something Else

Giggs Can Score Easily

Goblins Can’t Scare Elves

Gulls Catch Scampi Effortlessly

Girls Could Succumb Entirely

Give Christine Some Energy

Go!

Cheerio!

So long!

Emigrate!

How to Pass GCSE Maths

Estimate the distance

From your front gate to the school

And, given an average speed of 5 mph,

Calculate

The last possible moment

To get out of bed

Cast No Shadow

I’d like to take

This opportunity

To introduce the band

Cast No Shadow

Simon, alias Scroggs,

Who, aged nine,

Hung around the drummer

At the Co-op Hall do

When his auntie got wed

The drummer, noticing Scrogg’s look of awe

And the accuracy of his foot tap,

Called him over -

"Hey, kid,

Take these broken sticks and learn to play."

Which he did.

Morgan Pieniazczak,

Alias Morgan the Organ,

Had piano lessons

And thus learnt to play

Boring, really,

In a way

Kevin Smart

Mixes the sound

Not the snappiest intellect

But a towering talent

And handy to have around

And on guitar – yours truly

I was encouraged as a boy

By Uncle Roy

To learn the guitar

In the style of

My Uncle's heroes

Richie Blackmore, Eric Clapton, Jimmy Page

Which I did.

And, of course, our vocal star

And bass guitarist, Anna,

Formally Anastasia Aguilera,

Who completes the Cast No Shadow sound

But, it seems,

She's nowhere to be found

My Best Mate, Tommy

My best mate Tommy had a future

Now my best mate Tommy’s got a past

He let loose his hormones with Jenny

Like a horse in a race, much too fast

He fell off at the first fence and landed

In the brambles, flat on his face

And the jockeys all laughed as they passed him

Now Tommy was out of the race

My best mate Tommy, a father,

Made a bet with the bookie called fate

He bought a big bolt for the stable door

But none of the horses could wait

Growing Fast

Jenny's Lump

Is weird and strange

As though Happy Valley

Where we played as kids

Has grown a mountain range

Time to put away

Our childish toys

As though Life's Little Instruction Book

(Which should be issued to all children

Aged nine to nineteen)

Has finally revealed

The reason for there being

both girls and boys

Waiting

A song written in the holidays

for Anna

¯

Where are you, Baby?

Where have you gone?

I sit in the sunshine

Writing this song

¯

Where are you, Baby?

I’m feeling so low

No letter, no postcard

Where did you go?

¯

You don’t know I love you

And will to the end

My heart’s full of heartache

Am I only a friend?

¯

Where are you, Baby

I’m feeling forlorn

Count the fish in the fishpond

Watch the frogs on the lawn

(I might leave that verse out!)

¯

I sent you a message

Writ large in the sky

Written in sunshine

To the clouds that drift by

¯

Where are you, Baby?

Where have you gone?

I sit in the sunshine

Writing this song

Nice Legs

Nice legs, I said,

Involuntary-like

As Miss Jukes passed by

Mr Murphy, Head of Science, said,

Keep your comments to yourself

And your poetry

I agree it wasn’t

A clever thing to say

I should have just thought it

But even so

I like to think

I’m a better judge of poetry

And women

Than Mr Murphy

After the Break

Great to rehearse

After the long summer break

Good to hear that Rock and Roll music

Any old way you choose it

The back beat - you can’t lose it

Any old way you use it

You have to have Rock and Roll music

If you want to play with me

Good to hear

The solid, dependable thud of Scroggs’ right foot

The whirligiggle of Morgan’s ostinatos

Cool to cradle the guitar in my hands again

To feel its warm body against mine

To turn up my amp to eleven and blast it out

To get the spiders in the music room corners

All shook up

Just one thing missing

No Anna

As we are leaving the Music Block

A girl (bit dumpy, specs) comes up and says,

Do you need a hand

Carrying that amplifier?

It’s okay, I say

I’m Alice, she says, I’m a fan

Of the band? I enquire.
Cast No Shadow?

We are going to be Numero Uno, you know.

Well, sort of, she says softly,

And looks away shyly

Then

Scroggs comes crashing past

You can give me a hand

With me drum kit if you like

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